Hair Styles of the Destitute and Unfamous

Darlene wrote a blog about weather or not a person should cut there hair short when they turn forty, and yes it is true I have a LONG time before I hit that mark, ha ha just kidding.....I started thinking about all the torment I have put myself and my hair through. I guess it goes back to the days where I would sit strained for hours while my mom would tie rags in my hair and I would have ringlets over night. Over a night of sleeping on a bunch of thick dreadlocks. A few times the whole thing back fired and I had a head of snarly afro instead of ringlets. Think Bozo the clown as a blonde, minus the bald spot on top. Then there was the time where I met my new baby brother and everyone was oowing and awing over him. That was my position in life and I was not will to give that up, so one day while my mother napped I decided to give myself a matching hair cut. This way everyone would think I am so cute and drool over me again. I did not want to get in trouble so I hid all the evidence by burying it in my sand box. I guess my mother had more smarts then my 5 year old mind because there was no fooling her. I guess that was my first dyke haircut. It was a really short pixie cut, and I spent the summer with kids in my Neighborhood saying "why do you look like a boy?" Then we move along to 5th grade when I would let my tenth grade babysitter practice being a hairdresser with my hair
because I thought she was cool. Can you say mallet anyone? Next came a hair do I was most proud of.....The rat tail? Who remembers that one. There were many different names for this one, but you know the one I am talking about. The one where you cut all your hair short except one strip that grew down you back. Then you could be real fancy and wear those 10 strands of hair in a braid. Seventh grade came around and that is when I got introduced to my new best friend. The hairspray bottle. This was a do that took many hours to achieve. You would start
out this do by getting a spiral perm. Not just any perm...but a spiral perm, because they were the coolest. Then you take a blow dryer (mine was hot pink) believe it or not it is now wrapped in duck tape and my mother still uses it. So anyway you take your blowdryer and start by aiming it to the sides of your head so that the sides of your hair blow out like two wings streaching out. Then when your hair is blowing in that shape you apply a can of hairspray to each side so that it stays that way. When you have trouble getting through the bathroom door without your hair hitting the edge you apply one more can of hair spray and get to work on the top. Now for the bangs you divide your hair into two sections...One to curl up.......And one to curl down. Now the trick here is to spray your hair while it is in the curling iron. Keep it in the iron until the smoke starts coming from the top of your head and then pry you iron out as the hair sticks to it. Do this for both the top and bottom curl. Then you take a pick or teasing comb, and you back comb the h E double hockey sticks out of it. When it looks like something resembling a rats nest you set it with one more can of hairspray. The great part is you do nothing to the back and it just stays flat against your head. Boy did I think I was a head turner in those days. I am sure I turned allot of heads but they were laughing at me not with me. We have one very memoral picture of that "do" where I am standing infront of the Christmas tree and my hair was higher then the angel on top. Lets just say I appeared to be at least 4 inches taller and didn't even need to wear heals. Somewhere amoung the 11th grade it tamed back down to some sort of normal, and I actually had decent hair by graduation. Then I went to college and went for that bleach bottle blond look. My hair was so blonde it was practically glowing. Made a great asset when trying to sneak into the dorms after hours. Just follow the hair. The hair shall lead the way. When I decided to dull it down a bit we had that whole green hair fiasco I told you about. We won't even go there again. A few years went by after that before I screwed my hair up again. Brings us to a time during the release of Something About Mary. I thought Cameron Diez was the cutest thing ever in that movie and decided I was going to have a Cameron makeover, forgetting that I look nothing like Cameron and my hair was ten times as thick as hers. You can just imagine how well that went over. Dyke haircut number two! I even tried the gel she used in the movie but that didn't help either! So my friend talks me into highlighting my hair since it was so short it would be easy to upkeep. So I put my head in her hands and let her work her miracles. Apparently she missed that class because I looked like a skunk on crack. We had to seek professional help for that one. Shortly after that I got pregnant and became the fat dyke. That was horrible. I mean you already feel fat and ugly but add a really bad hair cut and it is just depressing. That seemed to start a pattern because the next time I got pregnant snip off the hair came again. In walks dyke haircut number three. Sucker for punishment I guess because there came another nine months of fat bad hair days. During this time we took a trip to Colorado and I still can't look at those pictures because I looked so ridiculous. I actually remember going through the whole trip thinking "this would be so fun if I had hair!" When I got pregnant with my third I forbid Ben to let me come within a 100 mile radius of any beauty salon. That was an enjoyable pregnancy b/c not only did I have long shiny hair, but it grew several inches as well. Now I am sporting a long lifeless do with three inches of dark roots. I think they call this hairdo mother of three with no time on her hands for herself. I am thinking of starting a support club and we can all say to each other " No really we can hardly notice your roots, and those split ends really work for you!" wink wink!