Blonde Moments

Well it has been pointed out to me, that I appear to be a dumb blonde. Apparently it is "my thing". So I decided to compose a blog of some of my blonde moments. I am sure there are many, but here are a few. I will start with the most recent. I was in the parking lot of the grocery store and it was crowded. People were circling the lot looking for a spot like a pack of vultures hovering a dead carcass. It was a dog eat dog world out there. So I am cruising around, my eyes darting left and right, searching for a person to follow out to their car, when I half way pass a car that is about to back out. Since I have only half way passed this car I decided that I had not yet given up rights to this spot and throw my gears into reverse. Looking behind me a see there is a green car, but there is a fair distance between us so I begin my back up. As I am driving in reverse this car starts madly honking. I am telling you he was laying on the horn like a child playing with your left over new years props. So I am yelling at this guy (with my windows rolled up of course) to chill out, and that I saw this spot first, so he better keep looking. All this time continuing my drive in reverse. As I am about to give this guy the finger in my rear view mirror, I come to a sudden halt. Well more like a slight smash. Apparently there was a car in between me and the green car. OOPS! So I get out of my car, and this irate Chinese guy starts yelling at me "what do you think you are doing! Watch where you are going!" He belonged to the car who was originally in the spot that I was trying to overtake and really had nothing to do with the situation so I ignored him and walked to the back of my van. During that long walk I am praying....Please be and old ratched out, rusted Chevette that was purchased for under $200. I spot the car I just ran into and it is a brand new red shiny convertible. Yikes! The driver sees my blonde hair and starts rolling his eyes. I bat my eyes as sweet as I can and say " I am so so
sorry! I thought it was the green car that was honking and I thought I had plenty of room!" He gets out and checks his car for damage and luckily there was none. So we all returned to our vehicles, and I being the nice person that I am even gave him the parking spot. I felt it was the least I could do!

Then of course there was the time that I told Ben I would handle all the bills. I wrote them all out sealed them and stuck them in the mail. I felt real good about helping my husband with our finances and easing up his load around the house. Apparently I forgot one iency tiency little step.....The stamps. We got all the letters back a few days later followed by a bunch of late payment fees. Apparently the "I'm sorry my wife is a blonde" excuse does not fly with the
credit card companies.

A few month back when I was working at the Gap they hired a new employee for the stock shift. I worked with this guy for 3 weeks before my boss said " hey can you show her some of the ropes?" Her? She? For three weeks I thought she was a guy when apparently she was a girl who looked like a guy and wore guys clothing. So the truth being reviled I took him I mean her under my wing and showed her how we do things. The problem was, I already had it in my head that this girl was a guy and it sort of stuck that way. So once night we are unpacking boxes and folding clothes when someone asks a question and I say "No Dar said HE would do it" (he being she remember). Now if I were a brunette I probably could have played it off and you know he kind of sounds like she. But me being a blonde cup my hand over my mouth in surprise and say "I meant she I meant she!" Open mouth insert foot. I would like to say that was a one time occurrence but it happened three more times after that. Well three more times right in front of her face anyway.

One time when I was in college I got the biggest hugest zit on my cheek. I am talking the king of all zits. Because of this zit I ended up getting fired from my job. I would not wait tables with this big zit on my face and I called in sick until it went away. Unfortunately my job went away before my zit did. I had skipped several classes and was starting to get to the point where I could not
miss any more so I put a huge bandaide on the side of my face and told people I tripped and fell into the side of a counter and cut my cheek real bad.

When I got my first apartment I also bought my first vacuum cleaner. I remember that vacuum cleaner! It was the first major appliance I had ever purchased on my own. It was purple! The only problem with this vacuum cleaner was it did not pick up real well. Every time I vacuumed I would have to pick up most of the big stuff by hand and it just did not have good suction. Time goes on and my friend comes out to visit from Canada and stays with me. I was vacuuming one day and was complaining about my purchase when she asks to take a shot at it. I lift both hands in the air and let her know that it is all hers. She flips a dial at the bottom of the vacuum from high to low. Apparently that button was to set the height of the rotating brush that sucks up all the stuff. It was set so high that it was barely hitting the floor. "Oh" I say, flipping my blonde hair "I thought high meant high power" It worked great ever since!

Then there were the days when I used to dye my hair blonde. Well more blond. Bleach bottle blonde to be exact. I decided one Sunday while hanging out with my roommate that I was going to get a new image and dye my hair brown. So off we go to the drug store to pick out my new hair color. I ignore the girl next door on our way out who warned to be careful when going from blonde to brown because it can turn green. I thought yeah what ever, that would never happen to me. So we get home with my brilliant new color in a box, and my roommate gets to work on
my lovely long hair. So we go through all the steps and it is finally time for the great reveal. I remove the towel from my head, and the look in my roommates eyes says it all! I run to the mirror in shock and tears stream down my face as I look at the Medusa look alike in the mirror. That is not quite the look I was going for. Not only was it green. But it was an ugly dark blackish green. Since we decided to play hairdresser on a Sunday while all the real hair dresser shops were closed it left us with very little options. My roommate called one of her friends back home who was a hair dresser and told her our dilemma. She told us to go get a red dye because red cancels out green. So off we go back to the drug store with my hair all hidden in a hat. We purchase the red dye and go through all the steps for a second time. The whole time praying for a miracle. Inch by inch a pull the towel back and it goes something like this "looking good....Not
bad.......I think it is working........Wait a minute.....yikes.....NOOOOOOO! It worked all right, on the top anyway. So now my hair was half an ugly shade of red and half a blackish green. I wiped away my tears and stuck my hair back up in a hat for the remainder of my Sunday. The next morning I went to the beauty school of my college and begged them to fix me. They applied a stripper to my hair to get rid of all the dyes (not the naked hanging from a pole kind but a solution), which is pretty much a peroxide and I was left with white hair, then reapplied a blonde. If you are adding this up, my hair has been died and stripped four times in a 24 hour period. A healthy head of hair this does not make. It was impossible to even get a brush through my hair at this point. It was breaking off all over the place, and was a disaster. I had to cut all my long locks off and spent the rest of the year sporting a nice "dyke hairdo"

In college we had another great brainstorm! We decided that we were going to go on a diet! An exlax diet! For those of you reading this out in blog world, DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. I got through the whole ordeal with nothing but a sore butt, but my good friend did not have as much luck. You see we were in school to be dental assistants. That particular day we had to go visit the local school and do a presentation for the kindergarten class. We had made a giant happy tooth and sad tooth and laminated them. We also got an array of good and bad foods for the children to stick onto the appropriate tooth. The presentation went over great until we were walking out the door and my friends stomach started gurgling in a way that you do not want to here it gurgle when you are not in reach of a toilet seat. The explosion that came next was one that we all feared. So we get poopy pants to the car, so we could get her cleaned up and changed. The only problem was, we did not want her to sit on the seats with her undesirable pants. Two, we live a good ten miles out of town, and three, it is a chilling minus 30 outside. So we solve problem one. We stuck the giant laminated unhappy tooth under her rear. This made the tooth even more unhappy. It also gave new meaning to the term "bum hungry". Then we all traveled the ten freezing cold miles home with all the windows rolled down, trying to escape the stench in the suddenly extremely compact, compact car.

Well I have many more moments but I will save the rest for another time. However, in my
defense I will say, that I am not dumb I just choose not to know allot of stuff!